Dear John,
First of all my heart is so much with you and your family this week.
I am experiencing marital distress because of a Mormon/LDS faith crisis. Anyone can follow my story at http://www.mofemmom.blogspot.com. I just began to share this week. My husband and I are very much in love and have a daughter. He is TBM, but with a very full library of Mormon literature. (I can only assume he is familiar with most of the issues.) Our hiccups with each other regarding the church started when I participated in the first “wear pants to church day.” He was so upset by this that he could hardly speak to me for a few days. I was completely surprised by his reaction, and when I tried to talk about why I felt strongly about participating he shut down. We are a few years into this now and our M.O. is that we just don’t talk about anything church related. I attend regularly not to rock the boat and he pretends like my faith crises doesn’t exist not to rock the boat. I don’t know where this leads us down the road, but I am afraid for our future. The intimacy we once had can’t exist because the conversation is shut down on the deepest parts of us. He is intensely suffering because of the repercussions of being a TBM with a spouse who doesn’t believe, and I am intensely suffering because I feel like I must go on pretending to be something I’m not. Mormon Stories has been hugely helpful for me as an outlet for mentally processing the changes I’m experiencing since my relationship doesn’t provide a safe space for discussion.
While I can't relate to the depth of separation that you are experiencing by not being able to speak openly with your spouse, I can definitely relate to the idea of "not talking about Church things" in order to avoid hurting someone. After we told my parents in 2009 that we weren't going to Church anymore, my dad completely stopped talking about Church-related topics altogether. He would obliquely refer to them using very stilted terminology ("ward" now was "our neighborhood Church group"...WTF???), as if my experience as a life-long member, former missionary and branch president, and active temple-goer was somehow instantly wiped from my memory. I guess it was the only way for him to avoid feeling the pain anew each time it came up.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, while I think the pain is still there for my dad, he's able to talk openly about his calling at Church, ward events, and even make a few "inside Mormon jokes", playfully taking a good-natured jab at his religion without fear of mockery or too-eager agreement from my part. It's such a process, and while the pain has dulled and is not as often present 5 years later, it still exists beneath the callouses that we have both built up. It's so hard--I feel for you!
T.A.
T.A. Your dad stopped using the word "ward"?!?! The cultural practices around the coming and going from church are so messed up. I've devoted my whole life to the study of music and music education, but I could denounce my life as a musician tomorrow and no one would give a hoot. We give the church an insane amount of power to break bonds that are otherwise unbreakable. It does not deserve that kind of power. Nothing does, except maybe love, which always draws people together, not apart. There is so much unnecessary heartbreak. I feel your pain resoundingly. I related so much to Christine Jeppson Clark's? story when she said that letting go of the church paradigm gave her freedom to love people more genuinely for who they are and to support them wholly in becoming their best selves. Amen.
ReplyDeleteI was your husband 6 years ago when my wife disconnected. Two things changed my mind. 1. What is more important, my wife or the church? I had always said my wife was the most important thing in my life so that gave me a chance to prove it. 2. If I were to tell my non-member friends that I split with my wife because we decided we couldn't go to the same church, they would call me crazy. That provided a bit of perspective. It took awhile, but we are now on the same page. Don't know if that gives you hope or not!
ReplyDeleteThanks for telling your stories. Good for you to have the guts to start speaking out. Keep writing!
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